Today, we’re talking about tying.
No, not that kind of tying. This time it’s another piece of self-help — specifically, how to control the rage and hysteria that can strike when your laces come undone in a tactical situation and you suddenly find yourself plowing the turf snout-first.
Yes, we’re talking about how to tie shoelaces. If a person doesn’t know how to tie them properly, even a mentally gun-license-worthy individual can lose his cool while fumbling with laces. That’s why we’re now heading back to kindergarten, where the lesson on how to tie shoelaces was left to be continued. With this method, your laces won’t come loose by accident. And if you place them neatly, they won’t flap around either.
While the following method is elementary for members of uniformed services, it’s perfectly suited for civilians, too. After practicing it for some time, the shoelace technique you learned as a toddler now seems to look messy and even dangerous. Loose shoelaces can snag on anything, very likely leading to an up-close introduction to your local micro-terrain.
Unfortunately, most people’s shoelace skills are still stuck at a kindergarten level. Once you learn how to tie shoelaces so they don’t flap around, you’ll have a tactical advantage over your fellow citizens. Or at least over kindergarteners. Got it? You now have a tactical advantage over kindergarteners.
The truth is, feet are always moving, and anything dangling from them can catch on something, especially outdoors. That’s why it makes sense to form a habit of tying every pair of laced shoes the same way. To start, the first thing you should do after purchasing new shoes is to prepare the laces. This is also half of the tying method.
This technique works best with closed eyelets or loops, and not so well with open hooks!
Whenever possible, choose footwear with closed eyelets — it’s a faster and more secure method to tie shoelaces, even in the dark.
Several boot manufacturers produce high-quality hiking and military boots, but unfortunately, many models feature open hooks on the shaft. Some of you will now argue that boots with open hooks can be tied faster. True enough — but only for those who’ve mastered the technique. Beginners should stick with the simple method, because it’s reliable and doesn’t rely on finesse that might be forgotten after a longer break. And for that, it’s best to use the shoes with closed eyelets.
Alright, let’s get to it! It’s so simple that even peeling a banana is harder.
Preparing the Laces
- Remove the aglets.
If your laces have plastic or metal tips, cut them off. Be bold.
(If you’re too squeamish, you can leave them on — the method still works, but won’t look as tidy.) - Seal the lace ends.
Use a lighter to melt the tips so they don’t fray. Shape the ends with the back of the lighter if needed. - Tie stopper knots.
Make a simple overhand knot at each end of the lace, and pull them as close to the tip as possible. Tighten them hard.
How To Tie Shoelaces (Step by Step)
- Tie as usual.
Use the standard shoelace knot you learned in kindergarten. The result should be a knot with two ends and two loops. - Tighten the loops.
Grab the loops and pull them until the stopper knots come to rest snugly against the knot. - Hide the loops.
Tuck the loops inside the boot near the tongue, or into the lace pocket if your footwear has one.
The result is a properly tied boot or shoe, without sloppy, dangling laces.
As mentioned earlier, this shoelace-tying method works best with boots that have closed eyelets. If possible, skip the mass-market “outdoor fashion” brands and invest in footwear from real boot makers — names like Lowa, Salomon, Haix, Meindl, Hanwag, etc.
Conclusion
With this method, your shoelaces won’t come undone by accident because the stopper knots prevent the laces from slipping through the knot. No more blaming your loose laces for a chessboard-patterned smile!
To untie the laces, just grab one of the stopper knots and pull. Simple. And here’s another big advantage of this shoelace-tying method with closed eyelets: thanks to the stopper knots, the laces don’t slip out of the boot, because the knots catch behind the top eyelets. That means with a snug-fitting boot, you can simply grab and spread the laces apart in the middle to get your foot out — and next time you don’t have to re-thread every single eyelet one by one. Consider it a major reduction in brain death caused by shoelaces.
The method shown here for how to tie shoelaces is by no means the only way to do it, and it’s definitely not the “one true knot.” There are plenty of techniques out there, and everyone picks the one that suits them best. If you think you’ve got an even better shoelace-tying method, the comments section is wide open!
I hope this post provides some mental relief for all the fragile-nerved citizens out there, whose frequent rage and hysteria attacks triggered by loose shoelaces may one day land them under professional supervision. Every outburst prevented is a tiny victory for our overloaded healthcare system.
But most of all, this guide is about building a new habit. If you’ve ever started doubting the shoelace-tying technique you learned back in kindergarten — or if a freshly broken nose has forced you to rethink your life choices — maybe it’s time to reconsider how to tie shoelaces so your bones and your dignity both stay intact.